Log in

for all of you who can't feel

> recent entries
> calendar
> friends
> profile
> previous 20 entries

Thursday, June 3rd, 2004
9:22 pm - what's good?
rock on


current mood: accomplished

(comment on this)

8:35 pm - the two of us
"The two of us we dream like one
the two of us the two of us
The two of us take breath like one
the two of us the two of us"

...well we used to

I have one and a half more journal entries to finish! Oh yeah! I'm hoping I'll be done by 9:30..I think I will be. It's going by pretty quickly, and I enjoy writting so it's all good.

Right now, I'm pretty content with it all.
I'm listening to my music, sad songs but they make me think of the good times. This is the first time the good times are making me smile, instead of crying. I'm trying to be positive about this now, and I'm trying to be strong. I'm sure if I talk to you, maybe things could turn out better than I think they will. Maybe.
I'm just sorry I keep talking about it, thank you, all of you who had to listen to me piss and moan about this whole thing. *cough Molly cough* And thank you to all of you who read my Lj and post stuff. Isn't many of you but thanks. I appreciate reading your word of wisdom and advice. I would just die if I had to keep this all in.

"Everything is gonna be alright, be strong believe."

The worst thing that could happen is if I forgot, I don't want to forget.

"I'm falling into memories of you, things we used to do.
Follow me there, a beautiful somewhere, a place that I can share with you. I can tell you don't know me any more. It's easy to forget, sometimes we just forget."

"So many nights
legs tangled tight
wrap me up in a dream with you
close up these eyes
try not to cry
all that I got to pull me through
is memories of you.."

current mood: content

(comment on this)

6:38 pm - you are my only, my only one...

it just ain' the same without you in my life..

happy, be happy, happy, happy...no tears...happy happy...


Only One

Broken this fragile thing how and I can't I cant pick up the pieces I've thrown my words all around but I can't, I can't give you a reason

I feel so broken up and I give up just want to tell you so you know

Here I go scream my lungs out and try to get to you you are my only one I let go I let go but there's just no one that get's me like you do you are my only, my only one

Made my mistakes let you down and I can't, I can't hold on for too long ran my whole life into the ground and I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

Something's breaking up I feel like giving up I won't walk out until you know

Here I go scream my lungs out and try to get to you you are my only one I let go I let go but there's just no one that get's me like you do you are my only, my only one

Here I go so dishonestly leave a note for you my only one and I know you can see right through me so let me go and you will find someone

Here I go scream my lungs out and try to get to you you are my only one I let go I let go but there's just no one that get's me like you do you are my only, my only one ....


happy happy, happy again, no tears...no more tears....happy happy happy....

current mood: calm

(comment on this)

3:05 pm - would you please forgive me?
Look at the sky...it's going to happen again....

Apparitions still won't leave me alone
It's as if you never left
How am I supposed to remember you
When you won't let me forget?

It's pouring again. I love it.
It's what's keeping me sane now I guess...

It just hit me and I don't like it.

current mood: drained

(comment on this)

Wednesday, June 2nd, 2004
8:28 pm - I left my mark
Leave but come home soon...

It felt good to cry last night.
I guess it's kind of what I needed in a way. Well...I need something else but the way it's going I'm not going to get it. *tear*

I'm sick again. *looks confused*
Oh well. I will survive...that is if this whole MEK thing doesn't kill me first.

current mood: meh

(comment on this)

6:05 pm - you make me wait too long...
I understand, I understand
why you think I want you back
after what you did to me
did you think you blinded me
boy you know whatever you do
it will all come back to you
cuz you tried to play me like a fool

"What's up ya little bitch?"
Nice Drew...Nice....
It's good to see you've grown up.
*rolls eyes*

Today brought back a lot of memories. It was good to go up there again, I just wish we had more time to spend. I'd like to *eventually* spend a long time up there. It's a nice place to be. We made it out just in time, it started to pour when we got out of the woods. We went and sat on Molly's steps. It was nice. I'm still wet. haha...
"Your soaking wet...and you're sick...Melissy..."
"Yeah I know mom, I'm fine"
"okay, go home and I'll make you some tea"
"But I don't like tea...I'll have hot chocolate though *smiles cuz she's SUCH and angel*"

gonna go eat dinner.
yum yum

current mood: wet

(2 comments | comment on this)

Tuesday, June 1st, 2004
7:59 pm
I was happy this morning...

I hate how people think I'm being a drama queen, or I'm just faking it.
If you think that then f--- off. I don't need you to criticize and add to it.

My scar hurts and it's red.
It feels like I just got the stitches put in and their coming undone.
It hurts like h---.

I used to only think about you sometimes.
Then I only started to think about you when something reminded me of you.
Then I started to think about you more.
Now you're the only thing I can think about. There's nothing else to think about, to occupy my time with. I keep dwelling on it and thinking about it.
And that one regret is all that I can think about.
And it hurts...
This is a different kind of scar, but it hurts just the same.

This is why I need to keep busy.

And if you have a problem with me just tell me...

current mood: gloomy

(1 comment | comment on this)

5:19 pm - But I have no criminal record!
I'm somebody else

Why don't you rub it in all of our faces some more?
I don't think we get it.
No I'm not bitter.
I had one when you didn't and you would have pissed yourself to get one.
But hey, good on ya. But I can't say I'm happy for you.
Everyone wants to be loved like that. Don't lie, everyone does. Now you got it, great. STOP FLAUNTING IT YOU HOOCH!

*sigh*...dang it feels good to be a gangster...

It sucks being a girl....by the way...

current mood: sore

(8 comments | comment on this)

2:42 pm - subzero
I don't need to hear your answer, I just need you to feel like there are no bounderies at all.

Finally I have homework to do!
Yes, I'm actually glad I have to do work for school. It keeps me busy. I just need to keep busy these last couple weeks before school ends. I'll go crazy in my own little world if I don't keep busy.

To do list:

1. Homework
2. Breathe
3. MEK
4. Breathe some more

current mood: productive

(comment on this)

Monday, May 31st, 2004
8:44 pm - we never see who you really are

[ I can't remember
The last time you cared about anything
The last time
you allowed yourself to be seen
so pretentious your lies unrelenting disguise
Creating tears in your eyes your mind withers and dies
pretending to be something you are not
somewhere in the middle you are now caught
You've never seen who you really are
No life breathes in you
All the time you laugh you wait
you cry
No part of your life is true
All the time your life passes you by
I don't ever want to see I don't ever want to be like you, Hollow Man
I don't care what you give
Hollow man
you can't live like this

I think I'm drifting away from the people I really need ]


[I just need you to see
That I think it's time to break down these walls that we throw

am I made of glass cause you see right through me]

[And how far have we come, too far to throw away the past
Will you be there waiting for me
I have to ask what we are, if I ask today it just won't last

So I'll be here waiting for you]

[Something missing
Left behind
Search in circles
Every time I try

I've been here before
I've seen you before
I can't escape walking down these halls
Hard to find a place where there are no walls

And no lines begging me to cross
Only straight ahead better move along
Like Clockwork
I commit the crime
I pretend to be
everything they like

I've been here before
I've seen you before
And I trade everything for this
And I trade everything for this
Why do I read the writing on the wall
Why do I read the writing on the wall
I won't lose my place in line
I've been here too long and I've spent too much time
I won't lose my place in line
I've been here too long and I've spent too much time]

 [I think about your face And how I fall into your eyes
The outline that I trace
Around the one that I call mine

Time that called for space
Unclear where you drew the line
I don't need to solve this case
And I don't need to look behind
Do I expect to change, the past I hold inside,

with all the words I say,
repeating over in my mind,
somethings you can't erase, no matter how hard you try,
an exit to escape is all there is left to find. ]

[I know I always loved you]

[How have you been, nice to see you again
How quickly these conversations seem to end
You meet a friend, every now and then
How quickly
these relations turn into trends

Put all your walls up and open your windows
And close all your doors
You catch yourself standing in front of the mirror
And now you need more

What do you wish for
To catch you as you're falling
So easy to ignore
But now you hear it calling again

I wouldn't want to be you
This lonely game that you play
Between your walls you confuse

Every heart that you break
So afraid that you'll lose
Always a void to replace
I wouldn't want to play you

You try and pretend, the truth is hard to bend
How easy these translations can be read
What if you were led to play a different game instead
How hard these frustrations are to mend

Does it matter to you?

Just Wait]

[You have a chance to really shine now
Well patience never was one of your true virtues
Stop trying to control everything and f*** what they say,
what do you have to prove?

So why am I waiting, this life that I'm wasting, if that's what you mean
How will this be when all is said and done,
will I know where I'm from remember me
Where will I be,
I guess I'm on the run and time is catching up behind me
I'm scared to be the only one who sees
The hourglass run dry 'cause too much time went by
Why do I try to prove that I will be ready for everything thrown at me
These thoughts trickle down,
imaginary lines cut through the ground
So why am I waiting, this time that I'm wasting, if that's what you mean]

[Do we know how to get the message across
We turn the lights off to find a way out
No time to
get through to grasp what was lost
Don't turn the light off and leave me in the dark
Hey, I'm pleading, my soul is bleeding
I don't want to be left alone, not when I'm right next to you
What are you thinking, it's so misleading
Is it not for me to know, I think it's just hard for you to show
We never spoke in the words that we want
We turn the lights off to find a way out
We've never chosen to keep what we've got
Don't turn the light off and leave me in the dark
I thought it would be nice to lie down and close my eyes
It never occurred to me that I am already asleep

Don't be the one to be let go
Don't be the one to be alone


[I found a line and then it grew
I found myself still thinking of you
I felt so empty and now I'm fine
But still it's burning
, when will you be mine?

Too much of the same stories in our lives
I think it's time for change, don't you?
Too much of the same stories in our lives
I think it's time for us to walk away from here
Stories in our lives, we keep them all inside
Stories in our lives, we keep them all inside
Look at me still in your mind
Our memories so intertwined
Well you broke through and found your way
And so did I no need to stay

The same old picture, tried and true
Been through there, let's look for something new
Too much of the same stories in our lives
I think it's time for change, don't you?
Too much of the same stories in our lives
I think it's time for us to walk away from here
Do you remember lying on the beach so late at night
Do you remember running through the sprinklers that night
Do you remember all the songs that I have wrote for you,
All the songs that I have wrote for you
For you

I remember,the way you made me feel when I was with you
I remember,the smile that always brought me back to you
That look in your eyes, I never thought that this could be untrue
That look in your eyes, I never thought that this could be untrue
Too much of the same stories in our lives
I think it's time for change, don't you?
Too much of the same stories in our lives
I think it's time for us to walk away from here]


[The pressure is building I want to break away
Motivation is lacking the point starts to fade
I look to the bottom still empty still the same

I'm waiting for something to show me the way
To the path that I should take, it's just too real to go ahead and fake
Every step that I make
Name your price I would give anything
I want to start over again

What do I want I have nothing to say
Whatever it is I want it today
Do we choose our own ground Do we choose to stay
Well I've seen too many throw it away

Do I see just one small chance to be myself to try and make it last
Every step that I take]



are you serious or are you just avoiding me?that's what I get for trying

but I won't give up because you need to hear what I have to say



on another note: I hate how I turned into a Brittany.... I already told you but here it is again...Happy Birthday Cornelia! yay.

current mood: determined

(comment on this)

4:58 pm - show me how to dance

TEXAS where the tamales aren't the only thing that's hot !

painting my nails

watching save the last dance

should I do it or not?


later...I'll do it later

current mood: apathetic

(2 comments | comment on this)

3:05 pm - ya frikin a!
"Don't you just love a bargain"...

Went to the Christmas Tree Shop today with my mom and Kerri. Always fun. It was a good way to keep my mind off of things. Who knows what I'm going to do for the rest of the day. Probably just relax, finish up my work for school and what not.
I love days like these...they seem to take forever, like you have all the time in the world.

current mood: relaxed

(2 comments | comment on this)

Sunday, May 30th, 2004
8:49 pm - pop pop BANG! fizz....
*dog barking*

...and I miss you...

The noises outside remind me of you and him and Rudolph. I can just see you three hanging around lighting firecrackers off. Rudolph laughing, you just being like "Let's see what we can set on fire" and the other one just being like "That was awesome!" because he's dense and probably wouldn't say much else but I love him anyway and I wish I was there.

Part of me just wishes we were friends again. The other part knows it would have happened again. So I guess I'm saying it's for the best (?)
but I just miss the way we were...ha! that's a movie
*Molly gets it*

I wanna stop thinking about you.
I mean, I have the memories, the good ones and the bad ones. And I have the photos. heh, I haven't even looked at them since April. I think it would hurt too much. It's like...looking at pictures of someone who just died. But it's worse because he's not. I don't mean that as an "I wish he was dead". But when I think about it, to him I'M probably dead. And that hurts...

"w/e u say"
"whats that supposed to mean lol"
"that i love you"

And I bet you didn't think I would save that crap...
three words that should have never came out of your mouth that night because you don't know what that means. And it's not your fault, because that's how you *thought* felt.
No one else would understand this...I don't think I told anyone about that. Maybe that's why no one understands.

I don't think I'm ever going to write about this again. I've had enough for real. And I'm sure you're shaking your head say yeah whatever we'll see when tomorrow rolls around. But whatever. It's done. On to new things, I don't want to think about it anymore.

current mood: tired

(4 comments | comment on this)

4:26 pm - route 93 - exit 2
and then there was one...

I never wanted to feel this way but that's all I got time for.

Molly and Brent came over this weekend.
They both slept over and it was fun.
And now their gone.
I miss Brent already haha...it will be a couple more months until I see him again. But hey, that's what happens when you don't live in the same state.
We had fun...

Goldfish throwing


"They have lawns in Belmont?"


Canobie Lake

"My feet are wet."

walkie talkies

1, 2 Freddy's coming for you...

The killer hand


Brent grabbing me from under the table

There are probably more I'm just forgetting them...
There are always stories when Brent comes home.
The best one of all is butt pillow. *sigh*

current mood: okay

(2 comments | comment on this)

Friday, May 28th, 2004
10:02 pm - alone on a friday night
but it's okay....

Your mind wanders when you're alone at night.
It's funny to think that two months ago today we'd probably talking online about absolutely nothing, but that nothing would mean so much to both of us.
This is the most of thought about this whole thing since it happened. I don't think it's true what people say...if you lose someone and you think about the good things you won't be sad. Then why am I sad now? Maybe it's because he's not really gone. He's just gone from my life. No one else would understand why I get so mad at myself that I let it happen, or why I cried after it was over, or even why I want to cry right now just thinking about it. I had something that no one else shared with him and it was special. The worst parts of our friendship were when it got to the point where it was more than just that. It shouldn't have gone there because that ruined it. We talked more when it wasn't like that. Funny I know but look who I'm talking about...
His eyes. I just will never forget the way his eyes looked, and the way his face looked the day it ended. Then when I saw his brother..gosh they just have the same eyes.
I just miss him a lot right now.
Tomorrow I won't.
This feeling comes and goes quickly but I'll never forget him and the way we used to talk and stuff.

You're not gone because you're not forgotten

current mood: okay

(6 comments | comment on this)

8:05 pm - things it says
she wipes her tears away as she tries to shine today. Bright blue eyes and sparkling smile always seem to fade.

Tomorrow just can't come soon enough

current mood: bored

(comment on this)

6:52 pm - fo shizzle
I know guys on CRACK that make more sense than you

My stupid grandmother is pissing me off SO much.
I actually had a pretty good day, all excited for Brent and Molly to come over tomorrow.
Then my dad tells me my grandmother called and wants ME to sit there with her after she has eye surgery.
Hmmm....If you ask me it would make more sense to call, let's see...A NURSE! I'm not a nurse. Or call your frikin daughter. She hasn't done anything for you. Don't call me. And it's on a Monday. I have to go to school to get ready for finals, sorry. That's more important, because frankly, I don't care. She wouldn't appreciate it, She'd complain the whole time, then when it's time for me to leave, she'd say "Thank you Melissa, it's nice for you to take your time to sit with me." Yeah you're not welcome you old bat, didn't really give me a choice there did ya buddy?!


current mood: enraged

(2 comments | comment on this)

4:04 pm - you got the better of me
You make me feel like dancing.
I'm gonna dance the night away.

1 more day!
Ah! I'm so excited it's been close to 7 months.

I just watched Zoolander. Such a good movie.
"I'm not an ambi-turner....I can't turn left."

Today was so pointless..I got out at 10:30 cuz my English teacher was just like fine go. Came home, my mom had to go to the store for a few things so I went with her. Got Brent more candy for his snazzy candy jar. haha..
Came home, made a wreath for the front door.
Then I watched Zoolander while doing my nails, now here I am.

Had an awesome day with Molly yesterday. Ho yeah! hahaha...good times, good times....

Many more to come tomorrow and the rest of the weekend.
Fo shizzle!

Gonna go find something to do yo.

current mood: excited

(1 comment | comment on this)

Thursday, May 27th, 2004
6:41 pm - headstrong
Me: So do I get to see the tongue on Saturday?
Brent: lol
Brent: yeah
Brent: My dad knows I have it
Me: What did he say?
Brent: Nothing
Me: heh..that's so Glenn
Brent: lol
Brent: yeah it is

My big brother is coming on Saturday!
I'm so happy!
Molly it's gonna be awesome.


current mood: excited

(comment on this)

Wednesday, May 26th, 2004
4:27 pm - girls are so evil hahaha ...
black black black...

I look so trashy.
It's the hair and make up. The dress isn't trashy. I wore it to my bat mitzvah.
No I'm not Jewish, sorry...

Maybe the fishnets too...but still...

Only two more hours!
I might go watch a mouvie.


current mood: hoochie

(comment on this)

> previous 20 entries
> top of page